chicks, pants, showing it all, dancing


See the Shadows of Innocence and Sanity

a shadow of the day

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chicks, pants, showing it all, dancing
From Nix.

My mother was raised a Catholic. My mother, my aunt, my uncles; they were all raised Catholic with the early mass and the liturgy of the word and the liturgy of the body and communion and the holy days of obligation. They were raised with priests and God and religion. My mother turned on religion and because I never met her, I could not ask why. I asked my aunt, the closest I had to a parent, if she knew. If she could tell me why she left religion, maybe it could help me understand why my own mother left.

Neicey told me that when Jaden came into her life, when me and Ailis came into her life, when Kiel came into this world, there was no room left for God. She did not stay a Catholic because once children came into her life, where was God to fit in?

I do not bring up the fact that I am not, and have never been her child. It is hard to see that a young boy would understand that, would understand the nuances of love in a family. I never said a word, because who sees children as wise?

I was raised without religion. I was raised to believe that what comes in life is the result of things you have done. A form of karma, yin and yang, the balance of the universe — crime and punishment, something bad being tempered with the good and vice versa. Even as a child, I knew that I would need to balance my mother’s mistakes with my goodness. The wheel doesn’t take into account child and parent differences. All is a turn of the wheel.

Being without religion makes it simpler... easier in the long run to ignore the maddening crowd and their fanaticisms. It makes it easier to create your own morals. There is no one to have to look toward for consequences. There is just you, and what you make of your life. I do not doubt that I could live my life with impunity, knowing there is only my own conscience to deal with when I fail.

Never being raised as any set religion made me not worry about having my own children. Catholics believe it is their duty to procreate, and that every sperm is sacred to God. Homosexuality is a sin because it wastes useful semen, and the act is abhorrent. Catholics believe that I will go to hell because of my sinful relationship with my lover-boy. And my damnation is worse because I add to that fornication with my lover-girl.

I would worry about the health of my soul, if I believed the way my mother and my aunt and uncles believed as children. I would worry that I was eternally damned and would leave my lover-boy and settle down with my lover-girl in marriage and have a thousand little Nixes and Shays running around beneath our feet until there was no room for more. If I believed there was a Hell, or a God, or eternal damnation for being in love the way I am, I would worry.

But I do not worry, and I do not believe that way. As children, we were not raised to believe it.


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