chicks, pants, showing it all, dancing


See the Shadows of Innocence and Sanity

a shadow of the day

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chicks, pants, showing it all, dancing
From Nisha.

I am lying on Megan’s bed again, in my favorite spot, with my feet flat on the floor and staring up at the wires holding the bed above hers together, the only thing resting being my torso against her pink comforter. I am lying there while Megan talks to Leah, the two of them hunched over a computer and talking about... something. I can hear them talking, but the words are drifting over me in a way that makes me wish I was asleep and not counting bends in the strip of metal above my head.

I wonder if they would care if I walked out now. The dorms do not have near as much security as they ought to. I have nearly walked up to her dorm unescorted several times, and the only thing stopping me is my own conscience. I sigh, knowing the chances of me getting stopped are slim, knowing only a handful of people know I do not actually live in this dorm. Or anywhere on campus. It did not matter. They probably would not even notice if I left.

Megan turns in her chair a bit and gave me a look, reminding herself that I was still there. I am still here, I tell her silently, not even bothering to look up. I tap my feet in boredom, not really caring anymore to be in this room. Staying here is just another waste of my time. I could be in class right now, I think to myself. I could be in class or at home or anywhere but here. Why am I here? I wriggle on the bed in discomfort and turn to look past the girls at the computer and through to the window behind them.

I watch the people walking to and fro between the buildings, laughter escaping them and floating up to the open window. I could be one of them, walking with friends and making plans and.... If only I could bring myself to walk out that door and into the sunlight and the last dregs of warm weather. If I was not so afraid...

Zakir will be downstairs, I know. Zakir and Red will be shooting pool on the billiards table in the lobby, or Zakir will be playing his guitar behind the front desk. He will be doing something that would almost make him miss seeing me, and just as I walk by, he will look up and all will be lost. He will see me and talk to me and maybe... I do not know. Or Red will stop me and ask about something that I should know. And flirt and make me itchy and nervous. I have never been a good flirt.

I wonder to myself if staying here is the better of two evils. I could slip past Zakir, and there would be no worries. I could even cut Red short and make it somewhere safe from them. But staying here with Megan and Leah… I am still getting that itchy nervous feeling, even as Leah comes over and leans against my legs and they turn on the TV. I am feeling restless and itchy. If this is the better of two evils, why am I wanting to run screaming and lock myself in a lonely room, where no one can find me, until I am calm again?

If this is the better choice... what was in store for the other?


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