chicks, pants, showing it all, dancing


See the Shadows of Innocence and Sanity

a shadow of the day

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chicks, pants, showing it all, dancing
From Nix.

I do not know what I want out of this.... This relationship. This year in school. This moment. I do not know what is wrong with me, since I used to know everything.

I knew, when I was young, that I wanted to be an artist. That has been my goal since I first picked up my pencils in elementary school. Mixing colors like God has mixed the palette of the world, with golds and greens and reds and browns... hues of life. I have always wanted to create an object of magnificence like the being that so many see as God.

I knew I wanted poetry in my life. I wanted it in my movement, in my breath, in my moments of loneliness. I tried my hand at poetry, a dabbler like many in the world, ones who have no talent with crafting lines. I tried, like they tried and try and will continue to tryIt never turned out the way I wanted. My craft was paints and pastels and brushes, not ink and lines and words.

And, although I have tried to suppress that side of me that craves it, I desire and crave and need danger. Painting over the blanks of normalcy, hiding beneath scarring and blood and bruises the truth of me. I need the marks of teeth and scratches and the rubbed burns of bindings like I need the air that burns my lungs after being gagged. Because, just a moment longer, a few extra seconds, and I may die and never have to live my life again. Never have to deal with the way I never measure up. A moment more, and I might be free of this nightmare.

I hide in my lack of freedom so much, when Liam asks me what I have been thinking, I am so afraid to tell him. I grimace and I try not to look as guilty as I feel, knowing my emotions are written across my face like I am one of my canvases, open to everyone to see. Guilty because I am thinking about another boy named Tomas who is the opposite of the boy I love and worship and adore with my entire soul. Guilty because I want to be free of a relationship I still want and need. I do not trust like I should, so I sabotage the goodness and the rightness of lying beside him, breathing in that scent so distinctly Liam that it is all I can smell anymore. I am afraid if I stay any longer, we will grow too comfortable and hurt each other. I am afraid that I will never be free of the boy I love, because I love him so much.

And though it may seem like a sin to the world, I cannot seem to get over the rightness of being Nix and Liam, of being together. I have never wanted to hurt anyone and I think of how it will destroy my lover to know that I am less than God, less than poetry, less than goodness and beauty. I am dangerous and sinful and Liam should be free of me at this very moment.

I am less than what the boy should be with because I am so wrong, so very wrong. I want to be perfect, but I can only screw up that rightness that I feels when I am in Liam’s arms. I can only make this life seem empty and useless, fragile and thin. I do not know what I want.

I knew. I wanted God. I wanted poetry. I wanted danger and freedom and goodness and sin.

I wanted. I do not want anymore.


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